A 32 year old man and I feel like the little child wanting to scream and cry. Please help!

By bobfish79 on Sat, 02-25-12, 19:03

Posted in Group:

I am 32 and most would say I'm attractive, intelligant and the type of person you'd like to be around; but what can't be seen is how I feel on the inside. I have suffered from alcoholism for roughly 20 years as a daily drinker, yes since I was 12... Somehow I have always been able to hold it together; better than most in fact. At 18 I landed a job with a premier finance company and worked myself up to management by age 21 making $100k+ with no college education.

In 2009, when the economy was collapsing, I lost my job and my alcoholism reached an all time high. I fould myself drinking nothing but alcoholic beverages and when I lost my house and my car "I didn't care;" it only got worse. My financee at the time stuck by my side, but she drank just as much as I did.

About 18 months ago she became very violent so I decided we needed a break. She has had a stalker the entire time we were together, nearly 5 years, and she told me if I left she would be forced to move in with him because she couldn't cover the rent be herself. I left all the same and eventhough I was only gone a month, when I returned she was engaged to him and bought out of our lease making me homeless.

What few friends I did have took me in, but my depression and alcoholism just fueled each other and eventually they too became sick of me. Where I am now I do not know & I really just want someone to love that will love me back. I have no shoulder to cry on & I can't scream enough to get it out.

I have finally sobered up; but, if ignorance is bliss, than intelligence is a curse. I get lost in my on thoughts & feel like the if I were to die I would not be missed. I still love my ex so dearly even after everything, including having a gun pulled on me by her stalker/financee; and I so badly just want to hold her. I didn't lose just my "wife" but a part of myself and my best friend. If only there was some way...

I don't know where to begin. Everyone tells me they want the old me back. To me, that man is dead. It makes me wish for just that...

I need whatever help and guidance. Really I just need someone willing to help "fix" a broken man because I know if I get through this I will be back on top in no time.

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By departureknown on Sat, 02-25-12, 21:29

Bob - I posted to another thread of yours before reading this one.
There are a few similarities in our history. I also had a very good position requiring
intelligence, strength of character, capability to react in a controlled manner under high stress... I pulled that off every shift as required and relaxed with some libation (love that word - was one a friend used through that time in my life)*. I was downsized out of that quite a while back, ended up spending 12 years with my wife (now ex).
My ex got tired of my drinking and mental health issues and chose the divorce route.
I had threatened suicide as I had no where to go and attempted suicide this past summer.
After my 3 week recovery I was forced to move back to Canada to my parents place.
My situation here really sucks and I have only one exit option.
"f I get through this I will be back on top in no time." Not me, I'm older then you are - one of society's disposables.
Re your other post, remember google is a very good friend, research carefully.

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By departureknown on Sat, 02-25-12, 21:36

btw
* Libation (per wikipedia) "A libation is a ritual pouring of a liquid as an offering to a god or spirit or in memory of those who have died"
I will have some rum tonight in memory of all those who have successfully completed suicide.

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